So I recently rewatched Love Actually in preparation for the BSO’s upcoming live accompaniment to the film and I’m afraid I came to the same conclusion I did when it first came out 21 years ago: It’s bad.
I’m sorry. I know this will upset its legion of fans who have improbably turned Richard Curtis’ twee bit of fluff into an enduring Christmas classic. I can acknowledge it’s not without some merit. Merely juggling all those storylines takes a certain amount of skill. And the acting elevates the material to something almost bearable. When it first came out, I thought it was facile, slick, and shallow. Now I can add maddeningly retrograde to the mix.
It’s remarkable the kind of casual sexism that went unchecked in films that came out in the 21st century. But as is the case with any anthology-style film, some of the storylines are better than others—and a few are nearly…good?
What follows is my official ranking of the Love Actually storylines, from worst to best. This ranking is final and binding. I will accept no phonecalls at this time.
9. That One Guy Who Goes to America
I don’t need to tell you this is the worst storyline. You already know it. I think most people have memory-holed this storyline out of the film. In it, an extremely annoying guy (Kris Marshall) can’t get a girl in England so he tells a friend he simply needs to go to The States where there are hot women everywhere who will love his British accent. His friend tells him this is a terrible idea but he goes any way—and the joke is, he’s right.
When he arrives at a bar in Wisconsin, he’s immediately set upon by a group of beauties (including a young January Jones!) who invite him back to their apartment where—oops—they all sleep naked. Ha, ha, it’s like a porn film fantasy, but it’s real! He triumphantly arrives back in London with a beauty on his arm and—wait for it—he even brought a spare girl for his friend. It’s not outrageously sexist because it’s just a joke! Lighten up, ladies!
8. That Other Guy Who’s in Love With His Friend’s Wife
This might be controversial, as the moment where Mark (Andrew Lincoln) professes his love for Juliet (Keira Knightley) via cue card while her husband and his (alleged) best friend (Chiwetol Ejiofor) sits obliviously upstairs is one of the more iconic scenes in the film. But why? What is cute about that? Falling in love with your best friend’s wife sucks, but why did he need to tell her? (She already figured it out when she saw that he had filmed the wedding like some creepy stalker, with the camera trained exclusively on her.) And why make her a party in his deception? Not only does she lie and say there are carol singers at the door, she runs after Mark and rewards him with a little kiss. This man should not be rewarded for his disloyal, selfish behavior! He’s a bad person!
7. The Step Dad and Cute Kid Who Bond Over the Mystery of Girls
This one feels like a missed opportunity. A stepfather getting closer to his stepson after the death of the child’s mother? Get me a ream of tissues. But all poignancy is immediately wrenched from the scenario when we find out the kid (wee little Thomas Sangster, cute as a button) is not extra sad because his mother died, but because he’s in love with an American girl at school (again, with the American girls? It’s becoming a fetish) who doesn’t know he exists. Stepfather (Liam Neeson) and son bond over how to get the girl—it involves learning to play the drums and then ducking security to chase her through Heathrow, a crime that would probably get him 15 to life in the real world. The moral of the story? If you’re really, really persistent, the girl will come around. Bad moral, Richard Curtis!
6. Laura Linney Lusts After a Hot Co-Worker (Improbably Named Karl)
The best part of this is the little happy dance Laura Linney does right before she thinks she’s about to have sex with her colleague, Karl (Rodrigo Santoro). Also, Karl is stupid hot, despite his name. The worst part is when her boss (Alan Rickman) kind of orders her to hit on Karl. Paging HR!
5. Colin Firth’s Love Language
There are better examples of Colin Firth finding love on film (usually as some iteration of Mr. Darcy), but this little trifle will do. Firth plays a writer who finds out this his girlfriend is cheating on him with his brother (an unnecessarily sadistic touch) and takes refuge at a countryside cottage in France. There he falls for the stern, no-nonsense Portuguese housekeeper (Lúcia Moniz), and they are able to communicate without a mutual language. The final scene at the restaurant where he fumblingly proposes to her is cute, but no self-respecting director would film a scene where a couple kisses and onlookers cheer. Manipulation at its finest. (Love Actually does this twice.)
4. Prime Minister in Love
Much as Laura Linney saves her minor storyline with her little happy sex dance, Hugh Grant’s goofy dance throughout the halls of 10 Downing Street to The Pointer Sister’s “Jump (For My Love)” is this sections’ selling point. But this is one of those retrograde bits. So let me get this straight…he crushes on a staffer, leaves her alone with a smug and handsy U.S. President (Billy Bob Thornton) who hits on her, and then has her fired? And then he chases her around London—not to apologize but to profess his love? She should’ve told him to get stuffed. Instead, she apologizes.
3. The No Good, Very Bad Cheating Husband
Emma Thompson softly crying to Joni Mitchell’s “Both Sides Now” when she finds out that her husband (Alan Rickman) is cheating on her might be the single most poignant moment in this entire film. And that’s why this one is ranked so high. But one thing that shocked me was the full-on evil temptress in Alan Rickman’s office. She was in pure homewrecker mode—a character that only exists to lure our hapless husband into her bed. When I talk about the film’s no-longer-acceptable misogyny, this “character” is who I’m talking about. (This section also features Rowan Atkinson as a maddeningly punctilious jewelry salesman, because of course it does. I believe it’s in his contract to be in all British ensemble comedies.)
2. The X-Rated Meet Cute
This one is essentially a one-joke gag, extended throughout the course of the movie—but it’s a good gag. A mild-mannered man (Martin Freeman) and woman (Joanna Page) are serving as “stand-ins” for a film that apparently features a whole lot of sex. With all the romance of doing their taxes, they pantomime various sex acts and fondle each other’s naughty bits, as the Brits would say. Along the way, this decorous duo falls in love.
1. Aging Rock Star Has One Last Hurrah
The funny thing about this segment is it’s almost a meta commentary on the film itself. Aging rockstar Billy Mack (Bill Nighy) puts out an ersatz, treacly version of his song, “Love is All Around,” changing the lyrics to “Christmas is All Around.” He knows it’s shit and grumbles and grouses his way through the press tour. Somehow, Mack’s candor about the cheap money grub of the song works. It becomes the number one Christmas single, which is apparently a big deal in England. (Bless their hearts.) And this is a case where the film strives for poignancy—and achieves it!—when Billy Mack realizes that the “love of his life” is actually his long-suffering manager, Joe (Gregor Fisher), with whom he actually wants to spend Christmas with. Okay, I cried.
To hear more of my thoughts on Love Actually, tune into WYPR’s Midday With Tom Hall on Monday, December 9 at noon.