There’s no mystery about the winners and losers of last night’s Oscars. It’s an awards show. There were actual winners (yay, Anora!) and actual losers (oof, Emilia Pérez). But the show itself had winners and losers, too, and I’m here to break it all down.
WINNER: Old People
The awards started at 7 p.m. EST and ended around 10:30. I actually got a full night’s sleep after the show. Huzzah! Never go back, Oscars, or else people over 45 will never forgive you.
WINNER: Conan O’Brien
The lanky redhead was in danger of becoming a has-been (thanks for nothing, Jay Leno) but his popular podcast has made him a hot commodity again, so kudos to (Baltimore’s own!) Bill Kramer, CEO of the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences, for hiring him.
From the moment he was introduced as “Four-Time Oscar Viewer Conan O’Brien” (after crawling out of a gaping hole in Demi Moore’s back—you had to be there), he was nearly flawless—funny with just the right amount of irreverence, only briefly and tactically political, and quick with quips.
A few of his best lines:
- “A Complete Unknown, A Real Pain, Nosferatu…these are just a few of the names I was called on the red carpet.”
- “I loved The Brutalist. I didn’t want it to end. Luckily, it didn’t.”
- “In Babygirl, Antonio Banderas plays a man who can’t give his wife an orgasm. He said it was the hardest role he ever played. You should’ve come to me, Antonio.”
- “This is Latvia’s first Oscar win [for Flow]. Ball’s in your court, Estonia.”
And, finally, of Anora:
- “Americans are glad to see someone finally stand up to a powerful Russian.”
WINNER: Timothée Chalamet
No, he didn’t actually win the Oscar—that went to Adrien Brody for his astonishing work in The Brutalist. But he kind of won the night. Dressed in a canary yellow tux (he made it work, except for the overly long pant hem…is this going to be a thing?), he lorded over the ceremony like the main character—a kind of twink Jack Nicholson.
He was referenced multiple times in Conan’s monologue and, since he was sitting up front, he was able to hug and slap hands with the various Dune II winners in technical categories as they passed him en route to the stage. He even played a part in a very funny bit involving Adam Sandler, who came dressed in a “fluffy sweatshirt” and gym shorts, and who pretended to leave in a huff when Conan O’Brien called him out for being underdressed.
But before Sandler left, he made a detour to Timmy’s seat, shouted the now famous “Chal-a-mayyyyy,” and kissed the young princeling on the head.
WINNER: Kieran Culkin
Again, this is not about the fact that he literally won, although that was nice. It was his excellent and hilarious acceptance speech that makes him a winner. First, he sang the praises of his old co-star Jeremy Strong in a Succession-worthy sea of f-bombs that had to be bleeped out of the broadcast.
One of the few things that made it on air? “I’m not supposed to single anybody out, but you were great.” (Awww.) Then. he went on to tell a hilarious story about his doubting wife, Jazz Charton, who told him she would have a third child with him if he won an Emmy (he did) and then, jokingly (or so she thought), told him she’d agree to a fourth child if he won an Oscar.
As Jazz mugged her dismay perfectly from the audience, Kieran said, “Ye of little faith…I love you and let’s get cracking on those kids.”
LOSER: People Who Like Film Montages and Clips (i.e., All People)
I, for one, love a good film montage. Back in the olden days, the Oscars were filled with them. Then some meddling exec decided that they took too much time out of the show, or were too expensive to produce, or didn’t appeal to the 18-25 demographic, or whatever, and we barely have them anymore. Newsflash, the people who watch the Oscars like movies and they like to see scenes from movies! It’s a bad sign when the best film montage of the night came from a Rolex commercial.
LOSER: The Oscar Nominated Songs
Nobody sang them. At this point, I’m not sure I’ve even heard most of them.
LOSER: 16-Time Best Song Loser Diane Warren
Too soon?
WINNER: Men’s Fashion
Baggy pants notwithstanding, Timmy looked great. Colman Domingo, resplendent in red (and also exuding main character energy), looked great. Andrew Garfield in a brown suit with a silk brown shirt looked dangerously great. Dare I say, the men were bringing it even more than the women?
WINNER: Selena Gomez
She had the best dress of the night IMO. (With June Squibb, most fly nana in the game, coming in second.)
LOSER: Adrien Brody’s Girlfriend
Please tell me my dude did not hurl his gum at her as he approached the stage to collect his Oscar.
WINNER: When Harry Met Sally Fans
Billy Crystal and Meg Ryan on stage together—you love to see it. “I used to work here,” cracked Crystal. And then, in a reference that surely warmed the hearts of fans, he said, “When you want to be an Oscar winner for the rest of your life, you want the rest of your life to start right now.” I smell a sequel. (No, really. They also did that mayo commercial during the Super Bowl. This can’t be a coincidence.)
LOSER: The Oscars’ Proofreader
During the award for Best Screenplay, they flashed bits of dialogue on the screen in typewriter font. This was the snippet they shared from September 5:
BADER: If, I’m saying if they shoot someone on live television. Right? Who’s story is that?
Spot the spelling mistake, kids! (In the screenwriting category, no less.)
WINNER: Independent Cinema
Anora, my favorite film of the year, took home 5 Oscars—four for writer/director/editor/producer Sean Baker and an upset win for star Mikey Madison. Flow, a Latvian film made for $4 million on open-source software, got an upset win for Best Animated Feature. And No Other Land, a film about the Israeli occupation of Gaza that has yet to secure a U.S. distribution, won for Best Documentary Feature. The final words of the show, before Conan’s send off, were said by Sean Baker: “Long live independent cinema!”
LOSERS: People Who Used My Picks to Vote On Their Oscar Pool
Sorry fam. I went an uncharacteristic 7-13 on my predictions this year. I took a couple of fliers on potential upsets that didn’t pan out (A Real Pain for Best Original Screenplay and Porcelain War for Best Documentary) and went with the herd on predicting Demi Moore for Best Actress. Hey, at least I guessed correctly that the great I’m Still Here would win for Best International Feature.
WINNER: This Skeet by Ken Jennings
SUPER DUPER LOSER: Hulu (And By Extension, Those Watching Hulu)
It was a much heralded deal this year that the Oscars would finally be livestreamed on Hulu. But there were a couple of problems. Those who watched the pre-show needed to log out of that feed and onto the feed of the main broadcast. “What time does the show start?” innocently asked my friend Stone Cold Jane Austen at around 7:30. She had been watching the pre-show and had no idea the actual ceremony had begun.
But that was a mere palate cleanser for the true disaster of the night: For many Hulu subscribers, the live feed cut off at 11 pm, a full half an hour before the show ended and before Best Actor, Best Actress, and Best Picture were announced. Even Diane Warren was like, “Wow, what a bunch of losers.” (Still too soon?)
WINNER: Netflix
The Mike Tyson vs. Jake Paul fight was no longer the biggest debacle in the ongoing experiment known as live streaming TV.
WINNER: All Of Us
Quibbles notwithstanding, it was a great show—entertaining, heartwarming, funny, well-paced, with a few gasp-worthy upsets. In my house, it was exactly what the doctor ordered.